Expressing bereavement

How to express bereavement? | Rob Salter | November 21st, 1999

I have been reading Muriel Saville-Troike's "The Ethnography of Communication" this week. On page 26 there is a bit about what can be interpreted as "the most sincere expression of deep emotion to someone who is bereaved," which is the phrase "I don't know what to say" according to Saville-Troike. A few students have asked me what to say in that situation. I really didn't know what to say. It is often hard to think on the spot. Do others have the same sort of moments?

Rob

Re: 'I don't know what to say' | Andrew Packett | November 21st, 1999

I don't know, Rob. But I do know what not to say. My grandmother died when I was living in Spain and some Spanish friends happened to drop by just after I'd heard the news. I immediately explained my state with the words 'mi abuela ha morido (sic)', which I suppose must have sounded like 'my granny has dieded' to them. I can't remember what they said but I do recall that they managed, heroically, to keep a straight face.

Perhaps there is a serious point here on cross-cultural treatment of bereavement, but I'm not sure I'm up for following a thread on it!

Andrew

Re: "knowing what to say" | Jonathan Clifton | November 22nd, 1999

I am looking at the lex module at the moment. The module goes on about the fact that there is only communication if there is a sharing of similar experience. Perhaps bereavement (and other situations) are so personal that really there is nothing we can meaningfully say because we cannot really share in the experience. re: terms of address; yes I also introduce myself by my first name for all lessons but (depending on the type of students) often they are uncomfortable with this and revert to Mr Clifton or monsieur (equivalent perhaps of sir) and if we speak in French it is the "vous" and not "tu" form. For me this is totally inappropriate. For them it is respect. I explain to them that in the UK we use first names much more easily and that Mr X is often regarded as distance rather than respect. I try, but I don't know how many students make the leap. I've been living in France for about ten years. I understand the rules of tu and vous etc but am never sure in practice. Can I really expect my students to understand cultural appropriacy after a few lessons if I still don't know what is culturally appropriate in France after ten years?

Best wishes to all

Jonathan Clifton

Re: 'I don't know what to say' | Keith Richards | November 23rd, 1999

Hi,

An interesting one for all sorts of reasons... The response to bereavement will obviously depend on a number of factors, such as:

* the relationship between the speakers;

* the way the bereavement is announced;

* the existence of conventional forms.

I think the last might be quite important and may explain why we find this awkward in England, where the subject of death is almost taboo. We don't have conventional forms to draw on, though "I'm very sorry" or "I don't know what to say" are two responses that spring to mind. I think the former would work perfectly well if the relationship isn't close, while the latter would (I think) seem insincere in such circumstances (though all this is based on introspection).

Leaving introspection behind, I had an unusual exchange three days ago that went as follows:

Lisa: Oh, by the way, how's your mother?-

Keith: Dead.

Lisa: ((Puts hand over mouth to cover a sudden expelling of breath which is a cross between a gasp of surprise and an outburst of laughter, but definitely more of the latter than the former.)).

(Lisa is one of a small group of regulars I see at the gym most mornings, where we usually exchange a few words but - for obvious reasons - don't get involved in extended conversations. She used to ask on and off about my mother, who had been ill for some time, and this question was probably prompted by the realization that it had been some time since she last asked).

My response is unconventional, but deliberately framed to reduce possible embarrassment on Lisa's part (asking after the health of someone who's dead is regarded as something of a social gaffe). The response was possible because my mother died nearly a year ago (if her death had been more recent, this would have appeared callous) and I did it in a tone which was not accusatory, instead almost underlining its own unconventionality, recognizing it as potentially humorous ("lighthearted" would be too strong, but it leaned in that direction). The result was that she was able to build her apology on the humor of the situation, laughing at rather than being embarrassed by her question. We were then able to comfortably negotiate the necessary exchanges on the subject of the death itself and our assessment of it.

I give this as an example because, in the face of the relevant factors I pointed to earlier, it underlines the way in which the participants negotiate particular situations. This sort of negotiation can, I think, be learned but not taught - or at least not easily taught - and my inclination would be to advise language learners to treat, "I'm very sorry" as a conventional response which would be unlikely to offend in any circumstances.

Cheers

Keith

What should not be said | Cathy Bannai | November 23rd, 1999

This is in response to Keith's suggestion that "I'm very sorry" is usually appropriate.

In English, this is most probably so but for the less wary foreigner, in Japanese, it is most certainly not! The Japanese translation for I'm very sorry "gomenasai" acknowledges some fault on the speaker's side, which is hardly the case when expressing your condolences at someone else's death - unless you contributed towards their death!

A common Japanese term of condolence is "goSHIsousama deshita", which unfortunately is very easily mixed up with "goCHIsousama deshita", meaning thanks for the great meal!

Keith's comment just reminded me of a few faux pas of days gone by.

Cathy Bannai

Re: Knowing what to say | Mary Lynn Hughes | November 23rd, 1999

On the topic of what to say on hearing of a bereavement/other deeply personal news...

Keith's reported exchange made me think about the role of non-verbal communication in such situations. What you 'say' with your voice, face and body may be more important than any verbal formula used. The words mainly provide a vehicle that allows the rest to come through. In a way, it doesn't matter what you say, if your non-verbal signals are genuine and appropriate. But of course, you need to say something!- (And an unlikely-to-offend formula like 'I'm very sorry' is useful information for learners who need a sense of security about an appropriate response).

According to Bateman*, this non-verbal discourse is 'carried on by techniques which are relatively unconscious and only imperfectly subject to voluntary control'. Therefore (as everyone knows from experience), non-verbal signals cannot be convincingly simulated (e.g. false sincerity, or outrage, for that matter), nor are they likely to be amenable to conscious learning.

The obvious difficulty for learners (and anyone in a foreign culture) is how to read and respond appropriately to non-verbal signals. It may be possible to 'teach' culture-specific signals to some extent, by making students aware of patterns involving voice, body language, etc, but I think these are best (only?) learnt through experience in real communicative situations. Since we are all highly-tuned to the non-verbal level anyway, usually without thinking about it, perhaps students should be encouraged to 'trust their instincts' more in terms of their ability to interpret non-verbal signals and the totality of communication, rather than remaining overly dependent on their limited verbal skills?

My experience with students in the English-speaking environment is that, although they may feel unsure about 'what to say' in emotionally charged situations and more especially, what is appropriate in the foreign culture, their natural feelings/instincts usually override their discomfort and they manage to communicate successfully, largely by means of appropriate non-verbal signals. This seems especially so where they want to express empathy with someone else's situation; when it comes to their own 'problems', they may be more reticent.

Finally, I offer a traditional Irish expression (a direct translation from Irish, I suspect) to add to the stock of 'bereavement' responses - 'I'm sorry for your trouble'. Highly appropriate if the listener is Irish and of the right generation, not likely to be of much use in international communication though!

Mary Lynn

*Bateman, G 1968 Redundancy and Coding, In G Bateson, 'Steps to an Ecology of Mind', pp417-431 (Jason Aronson Inc. 1987).

Re: What should not be said | Keith Richards | November 23rd, 1999

Thanks to Cathy for that clarification and that lovely picture of what you could end up admitting to if you're not careful.

That difference between condolences and thanks for a meal looks too fine to risk if you're not VERY sure of yourself. Reminds me of someone I knew well in Italy who came back from a meal one evening embarrassed by the fact that he thought he'd signed off with, "Thanks very much for the meal. I enjoyed it, and we've chatted really well together." The response pointed to a flaw somewhere in his grasp of the language, and his hosts eventually found a way of explaining that the verbs to chatter and to defecate differ only slightly. He'd chosen the past participle of the latter.

Back on the subject of condolences, in my email I was talking about English and not other languages, but Cathy has opened up an interesting vein. Any examples from other languages would be welcome.